"Perhaps, I love you more..."

I think I can trace back most of the trouble in my life from the moment I learned the word "my."  It started out innocent enough.  "My ball."  "My toy."  "My clothes."

I am not sure when it happens, but I think there is a point in time when we become daring enough to see just how far we can take it.  And that's when the real trouble begins.  "My friend."

We begin to try to possess others.  And we get away with it.  The possessive pronoun is just a word after all.  It can't bind.  It can't chain someone just because we say it.  It is simply a way to connect us to someone else.  That's all, right?  And that's not so bad.

But then we begin to act as if that word had power.  As if it could enslave others.  So we begin to use love to chain each other.  We fight to gain possession in the relationship.  We fight to acquire power over the other.  Even if you do not do it consciously, still you do it.  I have never seen a relationship between equals in all of my life.  It has helped me to solidify my belief that we are not all created equal.  We are simply created individuals who never seem to think that is enough. 

Love is not a contract, but a covenant.  To love another is to admit that we are not equals.  Contracts are bonds between equals.  We use them in our world to help ensure that people act behave with civility.  But, love is a covenant.  And a covenant is not between two equals.  It is a bond between a superior and an inferior party. One of the only certainties in love is that fairness will not exist.  That someone will always have to give more than the other. 

But in human relationships, how can we know which of us is superior and which is inferior?  If we were smart, we'd wish to be the inferior one.  For the one who is greater usually ends up giving up their life (in some form or fashion).  But there is a part of our pride that wants to think of ourselves as great.  And so we are torn. 

And so, after only failed friendships and relationships, and grief upon grief, too late I find the answer.  Too late have I learned the secret of human relationships.

Play the part of the one who loves more, but always suspect that you are the one who loves the least.

There are six questions.  Only six.  Who?  What?  When?  Where?  How?  Why?

Most people struggle with the How and Why when it comes to God.  Which is pretty understandable.  Those usually cannot be acquired by human knowledge or wisdom, and my ability to answer them does not reside inside of myself.  To be honest though, there is one of those questions beyond me.  There is one question I can never answer, because it is the only answer I have ever really feared. 

When? 

And so for all my gifts, and for all the foresight, and for all the knowledge and understanding of things that are beyond the human intellect, there is one question that I guess I never really wanted the answer to.  When? 

And now, when that answer could relieve quite a bit of grief in my life, I am still too afraid to know the answer.  I guess fear keeps me from it.  There is no knowledge or understanding that I have sought that I have not been given.  But I have never been afraid of the answer.  Now, I am.

I guess my fear is that I will be forced to hear the answer is "Never."

Still, even though fear keeps me from the answer, it does not keep me from asking the question. 

My God, when?  When?  When?

Random Thought

So, I was talking to some people yesterday and I said something that I thought was pretty great.  So, I'm gonna share it with you.

"Love is incredibly powerful, and when we make a mistake in love, it's never an 'Oops' but always an 'OH SH**!' kind of mistake."

I think that pretty much says it all. 

Thank you.  That is all.

Grief is great

"Only you and I in this land know that yet."

Last week, the first reading was about David and Saul.  David had a chance to kill Saul, but refused to kill the Lord's Annointed.  Now, here's why I am glad I've actually read the Bible -  There's a few things you'll need to know to keep up.

First, Saul is crazy and is trying to kill David.  This time they reconcile their differences because David spared Saul's life.  But it didn't last long.  Saul goes crazy again and tries to kill David again.  So after a while of this, David joins the enemies of the Israelites to help them overthrow Saul.

Also, Jonathan is Saul's oldest son.  And David's closest and greatest friend.  David loved Jonathan more than anyone else.  And Jonathan risked his life and family to save David time and time again. 

So, I'm sitting in Mass and I listen to this reading that goes along well with the theme of mercy.  But suddenly, without consciously thinking about it, my mind fills with images of David and Jonathan's friendship and the grief that is to come.  And it is all because of this act of mercy by David.  David could have saved countless lives, including the life of his best friend, Jonathan, if only he had killed Saul then and there.  But because he let Saul live, David ended up losing his closest friend in the battle that inevitably ensues. 

We always think that if we do good and follow Jesus, life will work out all nice and pretty.  I know of no evidence to support that idea, and a hundred stories that give witness to nearly the opposite.  I guess the more closely we follow Christ, the more pain and grief we can be sure that we will find. 

But, we can also be sure that there will be more joy there too

At least, that's what I'm betting my life on...

Worth it

About a year and a half ago, my life started falling apart.  Or I guess I should say that I did.  The story of my depression will have to come some other time, but by the time I graduated and had to get on with my life, I was not really in any shape to do so. 

So, to save my life, I risked it.  I took a road trip.  By myself.  Against all advice and against all prudence, I left home with my entire world for the next month in my car.  I had spent so long feeling like I was dying rather than living, and I hoped that something “out there” would bring me to life again.  So, without a plan, I just drove west. 

I remember the fear.  It’s dim now in my memory, but I remember it was strong at the time.  And not of the bears and mountain lions (It seemed that every place I went tried to convince me that at any moment one of these would come leaping out from behind the nearest tree to eat me just for fun).  I wasn’t afraid of what I was going to face during my sojourn, but of what I might not find.  I do remember the moments of wonder that filled me with awe of the beauty of the world, and for just a moment, peace.  But I also remember the countless hours of loneliness and grief.  I remember how hard it was to keep going.  I remember hating not knowing where I would sleep that night.  Or where to even go next.  I remember how hard it was to appreciate beautiful world I was seeing when I felt so much pain and anger at the world.  I remember asking myself everyday if it was worth it.  And I remember never really knowing the answer.   

I was sitting here tonight looking at the pictures from my trip.  Playing in snow in July.  Climbing mountains.  Swimming in glacial streams.  Sleeping in my car or in a tent in the middle of nowhere.  Those pictures captured so many of the moments, especially the good ones.  And I know the answer now.  The huge smile on my face and the desire to run away right now and do it all over again is all the answer I’ll ever need.

Sometimes, the things we do might not always seem worth it at the time.  I guess that’s just life.  We are the ones who put our hearts out there and who let our hearts get broken.  We let in a great deal of the sadness and trouble in our lives of our own accord.  And always, we ask ourselves if it is worth it…  A relationship, a friendship, a job, school, whatever… We ask ourselves if it’s worth what we have to endure.  

And maybe we can never see the answer now.  Maybe all we can do is just make it through; and hope that one day, when we are looking back at how much we've learned, and how much we’ve grown, and how much we’ve loved, we can smile wide, and believe with absolute certainty, that it was more than worth it all along.